Whenever I feel myself getting stressed out, I think of that bit in the Holiday where Cameron Diaz is talking about how stress causes premature aging. I don't consider myself an anxious person as far as things go- I'm pretty relaxed. I try not to let things get to me, understanding that so much of it is beyond my control. But hell, this trip is going to put a few years on me.
It's quiet, this stress. I can't help it. Money going out, nothing coming in. I've started imitating my father's funny little twitch, jerking my hand as a calculate exchange rates and costs and how much I've spent and what I have left and what I'm averaging per day and was today a good day or a bad day. What card do I use here, should I be converting at the atm or letting my bank do it at home. Savings, credit, five kunas makes a dollar. Actually five point five kunas makes a dollar. 100 kunas is $18.
And then, beyond that, what's the language here? Am I saying hello right? I'm still trying to speak French everywhere. I can't hold all the words in my head. Thank you is the same in Croatian and Serbian, but hello is easier in Serbian. Goodbye is a whole different matter.
Is it ok that I love empty hostels? When the time comes will I remember how to socialise? Am I doing the boring version of the great European adventure, am I staying too long here, too short there, plannign too far ahead, not far enough ahead. Will I like this museum that costs $5? I can't miss all the experiences, it's only $5. What if it sucks? I really don't normally like museums. What if this one is different, though? Like the museum of museums that I do like?
Is it ever going to stop raining?
And when it does, I'll be unhappy about the heat, right? God, I'm dumb. How will I feel in Turkey? What is actually happening in Turkey? Should I still go to Turkey? Is putting a revolution on top of a culture that I have had problems with in the past really asking for trouble? Will I not be able to do it alone? I won't be alone. Will a group of strangers be enough? Will it be safe? Am I safe now?
I'm in a cafe. Of course I'm safe. But, I'm sure that's what they think at the moment before something bad happens. Is it because of this coffee that I'm having heart palpitations? What if I actually need a doctor? Not now, it's definitely the coffee, but later. I don't know how that works. Do I go to a hospital? A pharmacy I don't know where any of those things are. I should know that. Lonely Planet tells you that stuff right. Whay don't I have the book with me?
Am I eating right? If I was, the coffee wouldn't be doing this. It's been a while since I had some vegetables. No, not so long. The tomato in that burger counts, right?
No?
Oh.
It's quiet, this stress. I can't help it. Money going out, nothing coming in. I've started imitating my father's funny little twitch, jerking my hand as a calculate exchange rates and costs and how much I've spent and what I have left and what I'm averaging per day and was today a good day or a bad day. What card do I use here, should I be converting at the atm or letting my bank do it at home. Savings, credit, five kunas makes a dollar. Actually five point five kunas makes a dollar. 100 kunas is $18.
And then, beyond that, what's the language here? Am I saying hello right? I'm still trying to speak French everywhere. I can't hold all the words in my head. Thank you is the same in Croatian and Serbian, but hello is easier in Serbian. Goodbye is a whole different matter.
Is it ok that I love empty hostels? When the time comes will I remember how to socialise? Am I doing the boring version of the great European adventure, am I staying too long here, too short there, plannign too far ahead, not far enough ahead. Will I like this museum that costs $5? I can't miss all the experiences, it's only $5. What if it sucks? I really don't normally like museums. What if this one is different, though? Like the museum of museums that I do like?
Is it ever going to stop raining?
And when it does, I'll be unhappy about the heat, right? God, I'm dumb. How will I feel in Turkey? What is actually happening in Turkey? Should I still go to Turkey? Is putting a revolution on top of a culture that I have had problems with in the past really asking for trouble? Will I not be able to do it alone? I won't be alone. Will a group of strangers be enough? Will it be safe? Am I safe now?
I'm in a cafe. Of course I'm safe. But, I'm sure that's what they think at the moment before something bad happens. Is it because of this coffee that I'm having heart palpitations? What if I actually need a doctor? Not now, it's definitely the coffee, but later. I don't know how that works. Do I go to a hospital? A pharmacy I don't know where any of those things are. I should know that. Lonely Planet tells you that stuff right. Whay don't I have the book with me?
Am I eating right? If I was, the coffee wouldn't be doing this. It's been a while since I had some vegetables. No, not so long. The tomato in that burger counts, right?
No?
Oh.
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